Love and Quidditch
by xian shadmoore
Summary: A Moulin Rouge parody gone Harry Potter. This should be funny, so try to laugh! Slash warning. Oliver/Cedric.


[ Foreword: This is my Moulin Rouge/Harry Potter parody. Be gentle, and please don't nit-pick. It was hard trying to make things work, and though they don't fit exactly, I think the point is made. Also, the grammar is probably off by a mile or so, but.. read and enjoy rather than play English teacher.  
  
Warning: This story contains slash.  
  
Notes: The italicized text stanzas are song lyrics. Anything surrounded by the dividers is Oliver Wood's narrative. ]  
  
_There was a boy  
A very strange, enchanted boy  
They say he wandered very far  
Very far, over land and sea  
A little shy, and sad of eye  
But very wise was he  
And then one day  
One magic day, he passed my way  
And while we spoke of many things  
Fools and kings  
This he said to me  
The greatest thing  
You'll ever learn  
Is just to love  
And be loved in return_  
  
"Quidditch . . . a sport, a passion, and a love. Refereed by Madam Hooch. A game of daytime pleasures where the young and studious came to watch the hot and beautiful players of their Houses."  
  
A boy, roughly about nineteen, sat hunched over a typewriter as he endlessly pounded on the keys. He was strikingly handsome, but unpolished by a beard and mustache that he allowed to grow in. A hat was tipped over his brown hair, and his eyes sparkled with a sad emptiness. "And the most beautiful of all these was the man I loved, Cedric. A Seeker, he used to catch the Golden Snitch. They called him Diggie Do-Heart, and he was the captain . . . of the Hufflepuff House team."  
  
He pauses, sitting back in the chair. Looking outside the window, he overlooks Hogsmeade on a gloomy day. Remeniscing, his brown eyes well with tears. "The man I loved is . . . dead." A single tear rolls slowly down his cheek. Turning back to the typewriter, he writes more.  
  
"I first came to Hogwarts eight years ago. It was 1987, the summer of change. I knew nothing of Hogsmeade, Bagman, or Cedric. The world was swept up in the Bulgarian Revolution, and I had come from Scotland to be a part of it." Flooded with the memories of earlier years, the penniless Quidditch Keeper becomes enveloped in his reverie as he writes.  
  
"I had come to Hogwarts, the center of the revolution, and it was here that I met my destiny. Throughout my wizarding education, I learned the game of Quidditch, which soon became my very passion. But it all began seven years later in my dormitory. One day, as I was polishing my broom, an unconscious Bulgarian Seeker came crashing through my wall."  
**_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_**  
  
Viktor Krum, wearing robes of bright colors, comes crashing through Oliver's wall. Upon his broomstick, Krum goes sailing into the opposite wall where he falls off and the broom splinters. "He was quickly joined by a House-Elf dressed as a nun."  
  
Dobby bursts in the door wearing some hideous gettup that oddly resembles that of a nun. "Sorry, sir. We were just upstairs practicing for a game when one moment he's awake," he mimics a snoring noise, "and unconscious the next."  
  
"What?" Oliver, now at his feet, was half shocked and half confused. Not a moment too soon did three other Quidditch players peer in from the hole in the wall.  
  
"Is everything all right in there?" A man, who appeared somewhat like a woman, but was clearly a man, asked in a semi-feminine voice. Oliver looks out at the three, new faces. "Terribly sorry about all this," the man says. Looking to Krum, who's still unconscious, he shakes his head. "Now where are we going to find someone to fill the part of a young, sensitive, Swiss goat herder?"  
  
"What?!" The man, now identified as Blaise Zabini, is looked at oddly.  
  
**_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_**  
"Before I knew it I was upstairs filling in for the unconscious Bulgarian Seeker."  
**_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_**  
Oliver attempts to find the Golden Snitch only to be interrupted. "Would you stop with those damned Bludgers? They're drowning out my Quaffle!" A moment later the team errupted into suggestion, which only resulted in everyone speaking and no one listening. Out of Nowhere, a Quaffle comes soaring towards Oliver, who turns his broom sharply to hit it away. The team all turn their heads in his direction.  
  
"Hitting zuh Quaffle like zat, I love it!" The Bulgarian Seeker, who was now back alive, zooms over towards Oliver and grabs his crotch. "Zeh boy has talent! I like it!" Everyone stares and Oliver's eyes widen. "What?" Krum removes his hand from Wood's wood. "Nussing funny, of course. I jus' like talent, zat's all!"  
  
More bickering errupted between the team, once again attempting to fix the problem at hand. A second Quaffle, from the magical place of Nowhere, comes flying towards Oliver, who handles the situation just as before. The Quaffle hits Blaise in the face, knocking him off his broom.  
  
"Incandiferous!" Dobby yells, struggling to stay seated on his own. "Zabini," the House-Elf says, flying down toward the team Keeper, "You and Oliver should play Quidditch together!"  
  
**_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_**  
"But me being Keeper was obviously not what Zabini wanted to hear . . ."  
**_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_**  
  
"Goodbye!!" Blaise yells as he storms off the Quidditch pitch, throwing his broom down in a fervent rage. Watching him leave, Oliver begins to feel suddenly uncomfortable as he hears his father's voice yelling in his head.  
  
_`You'll end up wasting your life in Hogsmeade for a Quidditch Seeker!`_  
  
"I don't think I can be Keeper," he says, heading back toward his dorm. The other four stop him immediately.  
  
"Why not, sir?" Dobby asks, his long ears drooping down to hug his head.  
  
"Because, I'm not a true Bulgarian revolutionary."  
  
"Do you believe in Bludgers?" George Weasley asks, sporting a bald head and round glasses. (Don't ask.)  
  
"Yes," Oliver replies.  
  
"Quaffles?" Fred Weasley, who has a beard (from the aging potion he took that year), asks.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Broomsticks?" Krum asks, now pondering where his broom is.  
  
"Yes, of course."  
  
"Snitches?" Dobby asks, his ears rising some.  
  
"Snitches?" Oliver's spirits brighten considerably. "Above all things I believe in Snitches. Snitches are a many splendored thing! Snitches are worth 150 points! All you need are Snitches!"  
  
"See!" Dobby says, his ears becoming erect. "You can't fool us, sir! You are a true Bulgarian revolutionary!"  
  
**_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_**  
"I agreed, and I would become the new Gryffindor House Keeper. That night we celebrated, and I tasted my first glass of . . ."  
  
_There was a boy!_  
  
"Butterbeer."  
**_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_**  
  
Oliver sips a mug of caramel liquid, spitting it out at first, but then downing the entire glass afterward. The team dances around drunkily, singing and humming.  
  
_For Freedom, Beauty, Truth, and Love  
Oh, you won't fool the Children of the Revolution  
No you won't_  
  
A man dressed in a provocative farie costume, who looks strikingly like Cedric Diggory, leaps to life from the cover of a gay porn magazine. Shaking his tucas like there's no tomorrow, green glitter is shaken loose from his wings. "I am the Green Farie!"  
  
**_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_**  
"The night had ended, but by the next day they were to dress me in the Bulgarian's best robes and I was to present my skills to Cedric . . ." 


End file.
